Why?

Nina, 

I am writing to you right now with a tear in my eye knowing that only you and a few others would understand.  

When I was young, I forget how old (I know I was older than 6 because I am 5 years older than my younger brother) my father blamed me for the death of my sister. I know now, that it was never my fault. He said that I was a disappointment to the Gods and to him. The Gods were sparing him the anguish of having another abomination - another waste. I spent much of my life trying to prove to myself and others that I am worthy.  

I don't know exactly what caused my sister's death. They say a baby's higher level functioning develops in the third trimester. My mother had a large lump before she knew something was wrong.  My sister was stillborn, from what I was told later was that there was no brain (or rather most of it was missing) as there was nothing above the eyes - just flat.  

There is a tradition in my extended family that every child is named after the same letter as the first in the generation. I was the first in mine and so all the children in my generation were to be named with letter "L." Her name would have been Lila. There is much meaning behind that name in Hinduism. The concept has been seen to signify freedom as distinguished from necessity. 

I decided today - that I definitely want to help you. Perhaps I shall profit from it, perhaps I will not. I wonder if it is Lila within me that seeks love and the freedom to love who I am. She was after all all heart and no brain. 

I would like to write with pen name Lila. I would rather no one ever know my name. If anyone asks, they can read this.  You have my full support, and hopefully my family's as well. 

Lila, Nina Inspired.